It’s been three Mother’s Days without my mom. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but it’s only harder. The realization that this is “it.” This is real. She will never come back and it is horrible. I went to bed last night hoping for a visit in my dreams. I wasn’t disappointed, she made an appearance, I wish I could remember the details.
I remember what we “used to do.” Breakfast with mom first, that was the start of our day, and then we would go off on our own to celebrate ourselves, because, after all, I was a Mom, and it was my day too. Mom and Dad would go “antiquing” for the day.
Today. We went to breakfast. Lynn and Sean were there – it’s her regular routine to come to breakfast with Dad on Sunday. Mike and Cari and Emily and Ricky came to breakfast too – this was for “Me.” My Happy Mothers Day. I was able to have a photo of “my kids” and I. I have a new one this year, “officially” … Afterward, everyone went on their way, just like before. Only this time, again,… there was no “Mom.” Just. “This Mom.” It was “my” day to do whatever I wanted. Oh, how I wish it were still “her” day.
Tom and I had bought flowers yesterday so we could plant all day. My first planting was the planter I made for mom’s headstone. We did our dump run, and on the way back stopped by to “give it to her.” We were not alone. There were several others there “visiting mom.” Standing there in the sunlight, being thankful that mom’s rose bush at her grave is about to bloom, knowing that she would really like that, and knowing that once the flowers in the container I placed there today, start to bloom she will smile, because others will see them… I can’t help but be jealous of those who are not standing where I was today.
I would never EVER wish this on you. But I am jealous. Jealous that today, you were able to hug your mom. Jealous that you could be irritated with her because she meddles and is involved in your life when you would rather she mind her own business. I hope you hugged your mom today and told her you love her.
We came home and spent the day planting flowers… something mom would have loved to do and something that I now do. I can’t seem to get enough of the perfect flower bed, and several varieties. I know someday it will become too much to take care of, but right now I plant and plant… and I love every root I put in the ground….
Tomorrow is not promised for anyone. Be thankful for today and grasp every moment of it.